I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
