I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
