Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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