He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
