Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize