I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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