My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
