My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
false alarm, still single
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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