I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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