so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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