I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
