hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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