your parents love me but you hate me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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