she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
