And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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