Cold hands, warm shart.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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