just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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