So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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