I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
