So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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