Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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