Only a mothe r could love this liver
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize