Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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