I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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