just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
