im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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