You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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