i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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