Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
