My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
