i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
false alarm. still invincible.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
