bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
