i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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