brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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