i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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