If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
