Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
