Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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