I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
