she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
