Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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