I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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