i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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