If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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