my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
