when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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