i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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