She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
