I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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