Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize