Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
