I think I won the penis lottery.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize