So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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