Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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