I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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