im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
