imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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