Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
