the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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