I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was like getting head from an anaconda
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
