Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
