I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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