My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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