she was so not down for the gang bang
i was born a porn star she said
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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