atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
