sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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