I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
